Have you heard that the Arctic is shrinking?
The ice-cap is melting and sinking.
Down at the South Pole
There’s a big ozone hole;
Holy shit! what must Santa be thinking?
How on earth had nobody envisioned
The world’s air so carbon-emissioned?
Who would have believed
Elves are working short-sleeved?
Santa’s work-shop has been air-conditioned!
They were right all along, those damn greenies!
No more fur-lined jackets and beanies;
It’s board-shorts for boys,
While they’re making the toys.
Little elf-girls are wearing bikinis!
No more cocoa; it’s ice-cream and cola.
The weather’s distinctly un-polar!
No more big log fires,
No more power wires;
The whole operation’s now solar!
Santa’s sleigh now has nowhere to go,
What with, year by year, less snow;
Rudolph’s gone, Prancer too,
They’re now polar bear poo;
No more reindeer! Ho, bloody ho!
Good old Santa Claus, though ain’t no quitter,
While ever there’s tinsel and glitter,
He’ll answer your letter,
(Though email is better),
Or catch him on Facebook and Twitter.
You can save time and money, what’s more,
If you cut out the big downtown store.
Go to santa.com
Type to whom and who from;
Presto! Tick off that gift-giving chore!
But the true Christmas spirit transcends
That to which ugly commerce descends;
Merry Christmas to you,
Christian, muslim or Jew,
And to all of your virtual friends!